Best Man's Speech

Obviously a ‘Legend Weekend’ will without a doubt supply you with lots of juicy material for your speech (apart from the bits that stay ‘on tour’ - never to be shared). But if you are struggling on an introduction, then maybe one of these may inspire you.

• Ladies and gentlemen, if there's anybody here this afternoon who's feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy at the thought of what lies ahead, it's probably because you have just got married to Paul Wilson.
• I believe that marriage is a wonderful thing for Paul. It will teach him loyalty, self-restraint and control. And it will develop in him a sense of responsibility, fair play and so many other qualities he wouldn't need if he had just stayed single.
• During my research - and yes, believe it or not, this was researched - I looked into the three key elements of a wedding day: first, the aisle, the longest walk you'll ever take; second, the altar, the place where two become one; and third, the hymns, to celebrate the marriage. I hope for Paul’s sake that this explains why Linda was whispering 'aisle, altar, hymn; I'll, alter, him' throughout the service.
• Paul was telling me he intended to love and nurture his marriage the same way he does with his beloved football. He says he’s going in fully committed, plans to score every week, change ends at half time and play half the season away from home. Funny that, because if he does, Linda reckons it’s a sure fire way of getting a serious groin injury.
• Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen - my name is Jason and I am the Best Man. Now it is said that being asked to be the Best Man is like being asked to make love to the Queen - it's a great honour but nobody really wants to do it. But, even so, I still agreed to be Paul's Best Man and I'm sure you'll agree that my first duty - that of getting Paul to the church, sober, on time and eventually married - was a complete success.
• I know it's traditional for the best man to wax lyrical about the number of ex-girlfriends the groom has had, but I don't want to get into all that. Frankly, I find such macho male posturing vulgar and offensive to the bride. But, suffice to say Paul, 72 turned out to be your lucky number.
• I'd just like to say, Paul, you are a lucky groom - you've married Linda, who’s beautiful, smart, funny, warm, loving and caring, and she deserves a good husband. So thank God you married her before she found one.
• I never thought that Paul would get married. I remember a few years ago, he said if he ever did, he would have to marry a woman with small feet. 'Why small feet?' I asked. 'So she can get closer to the sink,' he answered.
• There are obviously two very important people here today, without whom very little of this would have been possible. And the great thing is that as the evening progresses, most of us will get to spend more and more time talking with them. So please join me in a very special toast – to the bar staff!

NB. Our sincere apologies to any Paul Wilsons out there!!